I’ve started this blog to anonymously process a relationship ending. I’m finding it really difficult, the intertwining of mutual friends and family makes it difficult, coupled with being a typically emotionally repressed bloke, to open up and talk about it. Outside of this project I have also sought talking therapy to help me, which hopefully I will hear about soon.
I have a loose idea of how I want to tackle this, I am going to write a series of letters to my until recently girlfriend — I am going to change names and details, because I don’t want to compromise trust. I am going to be truthful, but this is my truth, every story and every life has a myriad of truths depending on the person telling the story. This blog is for my own growth and healing, but putting it ‘out there’ albeit anonymously feels like a necessary step to help me to process it.
Emotions and relationships are tough things, this was a long distance relationship and it’s fair to say that the Covid-19 pandemic and associated restrictions put a lot of strain on it, ultimately too much for it to endure. It ended with betrayal and that’s what I’m struggling to process, and whilst I crave answers for that breach of trust, I am also very mindful of the fragile state of mind of the other party. I love her. I don’t think we could ever be a couple again, but I dearly hope that we can find a way to be friends.
For the purposes of this blog I’m going to call her Alexandra, and I’m going to call myself Bert. I’m going to try to write the things I want to say to her in letter form — reminiscing about when things were better, reflecting on when things started to go wrong, trying to piece together the things that we could have done differently.
The completely ridiculous thing is that I do actually think us parting is probably the best thing for both of us, certainly for me — but the spectre of betrayal has knocked my confidence. Both from the perspective of feeling cheated and, I guess, emasculated, but it’s also made me question what I did to deserve it rather than simply that awkward but sometimes inevitable “I’m afraid it’s not working out, I think we need to end things” conversation.
Ultimately I want her to find happiness, as implied by the title she’s thrown herself into a virtual community and — from my perspective — lost a lot of herself in the process. Lockdown makes such things very alluring, isolation drives people to find company, I’ve fallen down similar rabbit holes myself in the past without the backdrop of a global pandemic to drive it. This isn’t necessarily about painting myself as a victim and her as a villain — simply trying to process our story, and hopefully find some peace of mind for myself.
I dearly and genuinely hope that she’s able to do the same. The minute chance that these musings are either interesting or helpful to others should they stumble upon them is a bit of a fringe benefit.