Letter number 10: Argh!

Dear Alexandra,

So just as I’d resolved to try to be serious about giving you time and space my phone pinged and you’d sent me a message. It was just a silly TikTok video of Ewan McGregor in a boat, it was funny. I love that you saw it and thought “Bert would like that”. I imagine that you simply saw something you thought would make me smile and sent it to me, and I’m over-thinking this terribly.

Then suspicion kicks in — are you sending me something vanilla to see how I react? I sent a fairly non-committal “Heh”, not the usual cry-laughing emoji, partly I didn’t want to reply at all. Or get cuntish and write “How was date night?” — but I can’t push myself down that road. I am angry, I am angry with you, I acknowledge it — but I can’t see the benefit in expressing it openly to you.

You’ll either turn it back on me somehow, or you’ll cut me out. I can’t bear the thought of either, even whilst I’m saying we probably do need some time away from contacting each other. I am ridiculous. It will also push you further down that virtual rabbit hole, that regardless of what our future holds has definitely not had a good outcome on you as a person, regardless of what pleasure and comfort you may feel you derive from it.

Or you’ll turn the hurt in on yourself and whilst I suspect that’s something at some point you’ll need to face into, I don’t want to be the direct catalyst for that, because I worry about how you would cope with understanding just what devastation you’ve wrought upon me.

Is the subtext of a fairly bland ‘Heh’ obvious enough to make you realise that I’ve worked something else out? You haven’t asked anything else since I sent it, are you agonising over wanting me to find out so I sever ties in a fit of rage? Am I trying to play out every possible scenario and know there’s really only one way I can find out? Yes. But you won’t tell me. You’ll either shut me out or you’ll make excuses about not knowing what you want and are trying to work through things.

My boss is worried about me still. We had a video call for the wider team earlier, I told him I considered not putting my camera on but figured that could be a red flag for things not being okay, so I left it on. I look terrible apparently. He called me after to check in, to make sure I’m eating, to offer an ear if I want to talk — I appreciate it but I really don’t know what to tell him. Maybe I should just send him a link to this blog, so he can get a weird glimpse into my shed of a brain. Hmm. Maybe not.

I did ask A if she would look at these letters. That’s not strictly in the spirit of what we agreed regarding mutual friends, but I trust her and know she won’t betray any confidences. She went through something similar to me, and I feel like I need some validation from somebody who’s ‘been there’ to help me not feel like I’m actually going insane. I don’t think she’s read it yet, I’m a bit scared for her to to be honest because she loves and cares for both of us and I don’t want her to see it as a character assassination on you.

But it feels like I needed to do that. The people I’ve spoken to mostly (usually fairly vaguely — not specifics) are ironically people that are in long and happy relationships from youth — not without trials and tribulations that all relationships endure it has to be said — but it must be difficult for them to really empathise ,as lovely as they have been. There are a couple of other friends I’ve spoken to about more details, it helps, but it doesn’t. It’s strange.

I feel impatient for the therapy stuff to kick in now, the NHS referred one starts on 26th but I’ve yet to receive any details about how to access it. I’m going to call them next week to chase. I’ve not had any details through from the employee assistance programme yet either, but it’s only been a couple of days so I can wait a little before chasing that. I feel like I need some qualified guidance on what the appropriate way to act is.

I’ve done enough mental health awareness training to understand the steps I probably need to take, I understand that it takes time, and I understand it’s normal to feel the way I do — but I still have to live with it, and that’s hard. I want to make sure whatever I’m doing is moving me toward whatever resolution I need rather than hindering me.

I wish you could just tell me that you’re progressing things with this other fella, but maybe that’s not what you think you’re doing. Being flirty and playing Animal Crossing each night isn’t really reality — but it’s helping you detach from that because it’s difficult, I don’t know. Which is why I feel sorry for him a little, I do think he’s in for a bit of a fall too. If that happens I worry for how you’ll react.

But then what happens a couple of hours later. Prince Philip passes away, I reflex text you, you reply — we don’t say anything meaningful. I’m an idiot. Was it a reflex? Did I want to soften the ‘Heh’? Did I just want to desperately cling onto some form of contact? I honestly have absolutely no idea at all. I feel like an absolute fool for doing it.

I need to try to stop worrying. But it’s part of my nature and who I am, so I don’t think that I can. Ha, I just hit publish and had reached the limit for daily stories on Medium, so it’ll have to stay in drafts until tomorrow. Probably for the best, I have been writing rather a lot, and whilst it might be doing me good, I don’t feel much better for it.

I love you, Bert