Letter number 13: Hygiene factors

Dear Alexandra,

I was thinking about signs of things not being right for people. Anybody who has managerial responsibilities at a big company will have gone through a number of e-Learning modules and courses on Mental Health Awareness. It’s a mixture of a chore but also quite interesting. I’m not downplaying the importance of this, it’s an important responsibility for a manager to look out for their team and I take it very seriously.

One of the things to look out for is people looking unkempt, not looking after themselves. It’s amazing what a blind spot you can have for yourself though! Not withstanding the substantial beard I have that isn’t the most well groomed thing, I do fall into these habits and perhaps don’t always realise it’s probably linked to some underlying unhappiness. Lockdown made that worse — what’s the point in showering, I’m not going anywhere, I’m not seeing anyone.

I’d generally maintain a minimum level of looking after myself in terms of cleanliness, in truth. I’d sort myself out in preparation for seeing you once that was allowed — but of course, as we’ve discussed already that started to dwindle as you found more and more reasons to defer a weekend. I hadn’t even really thought about it at the time, it just seemed so unimportant it didn’t register in my mind.

Luckily the ability to play football recommenced shortly after we had our showdown. I’ve been mindful that when I’m in a bad way I tend to skip showers and do the bare minimum. I’ve made sure that every time I get in from a game it’s straight up for a shower, no “Oh I’ll wait ’til later” then not bothering. I take Sonic with me, I’d hoped he’d sit on one of the shower perches I have or on top of the shower door but he freaks out.

He’s quite happy sitting on top of the bathroom wall cabinet though, chuntering to himself whilst I shower. The humidity of the bathroom whilst the shower is on is good for him too. Since I’ve played 9 times in 14 days, that’s a lot of showers compared to my more haphazard routine before. I’m determined to keep up that momentum, I need to look after myself properly, and when I think about it it’s shocking how neglectful I’ve been in terms of something very functional and normal — perhaps that’s indicative of my neglect of my mental wellbeing too. Something I’m also working on. It’s frustrating not to have heard back from the two therapy options I’ve secured.

Another pattern I seem to have is the desire to shed hair — when my first girlfriend broke up with me I had long Dougal-curtains for hair, much like everyone seemed to back then. I booked in with the hairdresser over the road and had her shear it off. A new start, a new look — who knows? When we had our worst fall out I shaved my beard off, probably a similar motivation, it might have been partly to piss you off because loved it. I’m not sure, but it was a strong compulsion — I didn’t tell you about it, I performed at J’s birthday party and wondered if you’d seen any photos or videos. Obviously we eventually resolved those issues.

So I’ve repeated the pattern — I have wanted to get rid of the beard for a week or so but was keeping it for the video shoot. Now that’s done, it’s gone. I clippered it off in the bird room so Sonic could see, he doesn’t seem too bothered by the removal which is good! We then popped upstairs for me to clean shave my face for the first time in more than two years, the last time I did that was for my job interview for my current role.

Funnily enough I have an interview on Tuesday. I don’t particularly want another job, I’m happy at work — there are challenges, and the cracks are starting to show with working mostly remotely, and it’s tough to try to motivate people to start to return to the office now they’ve got used to remote working. But overall, I like the people a lot, the company offers lots of incredible support — as I’m finding out now — and I like what I’m working toward and understand how it drives the business forward.

But a headhunter called me and it sounded like an interesting opportunity, I’m seeing it more as a chat to find out more than an interview. A nice place to be, I’m under no pressure at all really — it could be really tempting. It would involved a better salary, but it would also be a smaller company who don’t have the infrastructure of support and benefits. I’ve decided to go in with an open mind, see if I like the sound of the role, like the people, and then I can worry about comparing pensions, share save options etc.

It’s not a bad dilemma really. Funnily enough I moved from my long established employer shortly after the breakup of my prior relationship. Maybe change like that just opens your mind to change, the fragility of things that seemed permanent. I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m telling you about it really, you never really had much interest in my work.

I played football again this morning. I lost track of time in the morning and was running late — we used to clash good-naturedly about that, I get genuinely anxious at the thought of being late. It tended to be your default setting. It was never much of a problem though, I don’t think — I think we accepted each others tendencies and accepted it. I fired off a WhatsApp to the football group, I drove far too quickly up to get to the game.

The sat nav said I’d be 9 minutes late when I set off, I ended up 2 minutes late. I wasn’t even the last or next to last person to arrive. I’d worried about nothing, but I was mortified. I’m always early. Maybe that’s another crack showing in my mental faculty? The fact it’s still playing on my mind now when it turned out to not be an even slight problem is a bit weird. I hope there were no speed camera traps en route.

Once home it was time for beard clipping, shaving, showering. I was worried about how to pass the rest of the day, I recorded another song — I spent a lot of lockdown practicing Ukulele and decided to combine that with playing with the recording software on my computer then merging it with a video. I’ve got quite good at that part — my ukulele playing and singing is probably less impressive still, ha!

I chose ‘For No One’ by The Beatles — it popped up on a shuffle when I was driving somewhere and hit me ‘right in the feels’ — it seemed to capture elements of what seems to have happened to us. I posted it on Facebook, I edited the sharing settings to make sure it doesn’t appear to you, your Mum, your Dad or your friend Eleanor — because whilst I guess on some level, hell, every level really, it is directed at you, I think I’m posting it more as a not particularly subtle signpost to my friends that I’m not doing too well.

If you scan back through my previous songs — this latest one is the 50th I think — you’ll find that there’s a recurring theme of trying to say something I didn’t know how to say.

I’ve decided to have a couple of hours of phone on airplane mode so I’m not sure how it’s gone down yet — a couple of people had liked it before I clicked the button. People will probably more incredulous that I’m now beardless, of course. I guess I’m still kinda messed up in the head, huh? Even with the universal support, kindness and offers of help I’ve received when I’ve opened up to people I still feel weak and pathetic.

I don’t want to be the person whose name elicits a groan or a rolled eye when it appears as an incoming caller or a new message. I do feel an urge to reach out and talk to people, but I don’t know what to say. I learned last night at the video shoot that being around people, talking about normal things, is incredibly helpful. But I’ve never been a ‘chat on the phone’ kind of person.

It’s just a bit of a tough day I think. I’ve still not eaten anything today — it’s 2:30 in the afternoon, my watch tells me I ran 2.5 miles during football, combining that with a 7 mile walk yesterday on practically no food aside from a Samosa and a can of soup I eventually mustered the energy to prepare yesterday, it would seem I really ought to consider getting myself something to eat. That could be my mission for the afternoon, I’ve got loads of nice stuff in the freezer I could rustle up without much effort.

With that in mind and because I found an offer, I have started a HelloFresh subscription which starts next week on Wednesday I think. I figured it would make me spend some time actually preparing meals properly, and mixing up what I’m eating. I do enjoy cooking when I actually do it, not so much the shopping for random ingredients, so the subscription box might help with that. It’s annoying they only offer subscriptions for 2 or more people — but I can utilise cunning freezering of the second portions I guess.

I’m trying really hard to identify problems with me and fix them. I’m not blaming you for these things, they are entrenched responses I have to feeling low — they predate you, I imagine if you’d managed to be honest with me and not resort to cheating I’d have reacted similarly on these scores — and that wouldn’t have been your fault. That your feelings changed, that you didn’t want to progress our relationship — they’re not your fault. It happens. It’s sad.

I’ve been true to my word at not shortcutting the measures I took to not look at yours or his Twitter, I’m quite proud of myself but there has been temptation. I’m trying to retire Sherlock Bert — he’s done his job and he was necessary — but he isn’t really needed any more. He’s still around somewhere, but I’m trying to keep him quiet, it seems to be working so far. It’s more difficult when I’m stuck at home on my own.

I’ve not messaged you or your Mum either, I do think that’s the right thing to do. I think I might keep the setting on Facebook that my updates don’t appear for that group — not because I want to be petty or vindictive, but I don’t want to feel like I’m having to filter or be mindful of whatever I may or may not post that might trigger you, or that someone you might actually talk to in person might mention to you. It makes me sad to have to think like that.

So anyway, that was a meandering ramble — I think these letters are becoming more of a journal or diary, although I imagine there are other topics from the past that might appear in the future. I’m going to spend a couple of ours watching World War 2 documentaries — I don’t know why I find them fascinating, you hated it to the point you even set up a sub-profile on your Amazon Prime account for me to stop your recommendations being flooded with them, haha!

I hope you’re doing okay, I was worried to see your online life had re-erupted but heartened to see that you’re active on a platform where some real people are too.

I love you, Bert