Letter number 15: Quiet mode

Dear Alexandra,

As part of the plan I’m working through for the next 30 days part of it is a social media diet. I misread the rules, I thought it said that I had to have either an hour or two 30 minute chunks of time where I didn’t look at social media. That’s easy, I thought. I do that readily when I go for a walk, when I’m working, if I actually find something to watch on the telly that holds my attention.

But no, I got that wrong — the directive is to only look at it for either an hour or two thirty minute chunks. Now that is a challenge. For me that means Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I’m not a big user of the latter two. There’s a bit of license for us to use our support group on Facebook and it not count so I actually think I’m still within my limits. But I found a way for it to be a little easier.

In the Facebook app settings there’s a ‘Quiet Time’ mode — and you can schedule it, so I’ve set up a schedule that basically means if I want to actually see anything on Facebook outside of two half hour chunks — one at noon, one at 8pm — I’ll be greeted with a picture of a cat and a timer until my next ‘window’. Of course, much like with the measures I took on Twitter to stop seeing yours and his feeds, it wouldn’t take much to short-circuit this and cheat.

But that’s kinda not the point is it? It’s a helpful reminder of what I’m trying to achieve. I might just delete Twitter / Insta from my phone for a while, I barely use either in truth these days. The Facebook app does still counting up notifications though despite not being able to see what they are — I guess that’s part of the challenge! I fully accept I rely too much on it, so it will probably do me good. I’m still allowed to do messages and things.

Speaking of Facebook its algorithms have clearly determined it’s time for me to pull myself together, last week or the week before it sensitively offered me a suite of options to restrict what I see from you which I declined. Today I noticed you’d reacted to a status, it did prompt me to see if you’d posted anything yourself, you haven’t or you’ve done what I did and restricted your audience. It was a fleeting slip, I’m not proud of myself!

But yeah, I did hop on Facebook this morning and it notified me about the Dating option it has baked into it, which made me smile. I think it’s relatively new, and obviously hadn’t been pushed to me before since my relationship status wasn’t compatible with it. I’ve resisted the urge to have a look. Facebook was a little more subtle than my friend D. who within days of our post was trying to matchmake me with one of his friends.

You didn’t like D. although you only met him a couple of times. He is quite hard work and intense, but he means well. I politely told him that I probably needed more than a couple of days before I started to think about dating! She did seem like a nice girl though. But I think as long as I’m writing letters supposedly to you that’s probably a pretty strong indicator that embarking on another relationship isn’t a good idea, haha!

So yeah, I’m not ready to contemplate that just yet. I wonder how you’d react if I met someone else? I actually think you’d be jealous. I’m trying not to think like that, to really care — if and when I’m ready to make that step, and if and when it happens I don’t want thoughts of what you’d think being anywhere near the forefront of my mind. I kinda hate myself a little bit for even partially thinking that way now, but I suppose it’s natural.

I chased up the NHS ‘low mood webinars’ I’ve been registered for — spoke to a lovely lady who sent me the details and confirmed what happens next, I’ll get a questionnaire and joining instructions a couple of days before the first session on 26th. I’ll go into it with positivity and an open mind, I’ve got a strong inkling that it’s going to advise me to do the things that I’m already doing. It’s not a face to face session, it’s a one-way video chat with a text based confidential question and answer type panel.

It doesn’t sounds particularly like it will be too helpful, I think I was hoping for some kind of one to one contact. Hopefully the sessions I’ve been referred to via work will be more like that, I need to chase that up too to see what the next steps are for that. I checked in with my boss today and he hadn’t heard anything further either, and they did explicitly ask for his contact details.

I’m still doing well at not checking up on you, Facebook slip notwithstanding earlier. I hope that you don’t think my not messaging you isn’t because I don’t care, I really do. Part of me is dying to know how you are getting on — the part of me that cares deeply for you and loves you, the part of me that is jealous and hurt and still craving answers. But I know I won’t find out either of those things by asking or messaging, I’ll just get that hollow empty feeling. A superficial thrill at contact followed by the chasm of it being without any depth or meaning.

Today I’ve felt a different kind of down today — not so much bereft, I of course still miss you terribly and am hurting from your betrayal, but I find myself feeling daunted by the future. Initially by being without a significant other, then thinking forward to the stresses of finding another, the getting to know people, the false hopes, the ridiculous rituals of presenting your best self and worrying about your imperfections that you’ve not thought about for years because it’s never something that bothered you once we’d got comfortable with each other.

I guess it’s good I’m thinking future thoughts, even if they’re scary.

I love you, Bert