Letter number 22: Stalled
Dear Alexandra,
I had a lovely afternoon and evening with K. and J. yesterday — after chilling out for a while, K. and I went for a walk around what used to be Clipstone Colliery with Louie. It’s my favourite kind of scenery, abandoned industrial areas being reclaimed by nature, I’ve no idea why, it was sunny and warm and not too many people about. We had a sit on the hill overlooking a lovely view.
Initially I was reticent to tell K. the details about what happened, but he’s a good friend and a great listener, I found myself doing so. Since he has given up drinking he’s a lot more level-headed and less prone to reacting. I found it really difficult the way he reacted when M. and A. went through this — he’s a black and white character, the ultimate side-taker, but a lot of that impulsiveness was fuelled by his drinking. Obviously elements of counselling and dealing with mental health things are part of his skillset given his job.
He’s promised not to tell anyone else, and I trust him. After the walk J. had prepared an amazing roast dinner — she’s one of life’s nurturers, she loves feeding people up. K. and I both having been on a bit of a fitness and weight loss drive must be driving her mad. I didn’t skimp though, I knew it was coming so hadn’t eaten much earlier in the day in preparation — the meal was plentiful enough to keep me nice and full into the evening.
The evening we spent sat around a fire pit in the garden just talking nonsense and nothing, laughing at the sounds coming from the nearby pub and campsite. It was great, reminded me of some of my favourite elements of being at festivals, the late night sitting round a fire and chatting shit. More often than not you weren’t a fan of that part of the festival routine, thinking back. I can only recall a couple of times you endured it without wanting to go to bed.
As I left they gave me a lovely glass trinket with a heart embedded in it, the card it’s attached to says ‘A jumble of colours, captured in glass. A rainbow to remind you, that this time will pass’ — a wonderful sentiment and such a thoughtful thing, particularly considering they hadn’t known the extent of what I’ve been suffering with. I do feel like I’ve stalled a little emotionally, not regressed right back to where I was, but it’s frustrating to feel that the significant progress I felt I’d been making has slowed or stopped for now. That might be normal though.
This morning I wasn’t exactly bright and breezy in the morning, I got back a little late. But I had football, it was a really good game. I got to be on the same team as R., I think we normally get ‘matched up’ as we are quite similar, we formed a formidable defensive partnership and we won at a canter. Looking at my stats after it was the furthest I’ve run and the most calories I’ve burned in a game since I’ve been tracking it, which felt great!
E. brought R. down to the game with their boys too, they went shopping and got back to watch the end of the game so we had spectators! It was great to see them all. I must make an effort to go and spend more time with them, it always felt awkward with you because of the unhealthy tension with my family about our relationship so I do feel like I’ve missed out on spending time with them which I can make up for now. I hasten to add that I don’t blame you for that, Alexandra, my family weren’t fair to you or me over that.
I had been plotting to invite myself somewhere else for the afternoon — but have decided to stay at home, because I need to snap out of avoiding that, I need to spend time with Sonic. One thing I haven’t done in too long is change my bedding — I hate doing it, I don’t know why as when I do it’s never that bad. I think partly I didn’t want to because I hadn’t done it since you last stayed, but since that was a month ago that’s pretty disgusting, so any last traces of you are being obliterated now in the washing machine as I type.
Gosh that made me sound like I was disposing of a body, haha! Just as I’ve got myself into much better habits of looking after myself in terms of hydration, diet, exercise and more latterly cleanliness I’m going to make a conscious effort to do the same with stuff around the house I’ve been neglectful of. To be honest, I think the only issue there probably is changing the bedding at a more appropriate rate. Dread to think what’s going to happen to my water bill when they next read the meter!
Oh I nearly forgot that after resolving that I’d keep my distance you messaged me yesterday whilst I was out walking. Your Amazon Prime had started recommending WW2 documentaries so you asked — good naturedly — if I’d been watching them. I replied with a funny GIF saying “Maybe” which brought back a laughing emoji. You detailed what it was, I did say I’d used the sub-profile you set up for me to stop your recommendations getting Hitlerfied, but if they spill over onto your recommendations anyway you’re in for a few treats.
Again the thread ended with you. “Fabulous” with a cry-laughing emoji. Part of me wanted to ask how you were, what was going on in your world, but I resisted, and I’m glad I did. It’s none of my business any more, it’s not my problem to solve. I don’t mean that heartlessly, I really hope you are doing okay. I haven’t heard from your Mum since late last week, I’m going to stick to my word and not reach out to her — I feel bad for the position I’ve put her in, but then on reflection, you’ve put her in that position really.
I’m not a big sender of text messages, and I’d been idly appreciating watching your name very gradually drop down my list of texts. Admittedly I’ve kept ones I might normally have deleted like delivery or appointment confirmations to hasten that. You’re back near the top now, although S. texts me most days so she’s in pole position — maybe I should just text people more, but it’s only a passing side-amusement, not something that’s actually bothering me!
Whilst I started this letter feeling frustrated that it feels like the progress I’ve been making has stalled or even gone a little backwards, I am very thankful for my friends and that I’m in a significantly better place mentally than I was just a couple of weeks ago. Three weeks ago today my whole world fell apart, just 21 days — to have got to where I have in that time is quite impressive I think, if you’ll indulge a little moment of pride.
I was going to throw myself into some decluttering this afternoon — I was going to tackle my clothes, but I’ve decided it can wait, that it’s reasonable enough to spend some time resting, writing, reading and playing with Sonic. The washing machine will be finished soon so I can hang up the bedding to dry off, and I’m looking forward to getting into some nice crisp clean sheets tonight at a sensible time. I’m determined to crack this reluctance to linger at home — I love my home, I don’t want to feel like I don’t want to be here.
I hope you’re doing okay, Bert
