Letter number 24: Health scare

Dear Alexandra,

It has amused my macabre sense of humour that things I’ve written about in here came true without my design. I forget which letter, but I mentioned I’d idly fantasised about passing out as a signpost to be not being right, to have the opportunity to ‘check out’ for a while, to have people realise I needed to be looked after.

Fast-forward to last night and after going for a walk, feeling good, cooking a really nice meal from a HelloFresh kit and eating it, I had sat down to let my food settle. I’d opened the doors to air the house, then got up to take my bowl back to the kitchen and shut the front door. I have a vague recollection of losing consciousness and worrying about the bowl I was holding, then coming to — possibly moments later, it’s hard to say — with my arms uncontrollably jerking around, still worrying about breaking the bowl.

I bashed my head slightly, but didn’t break the skin — it still feels tender now. Once I had some kind of composure I called 111 and eventually a paramedic arrived. He ran a number of tests mostly to determine if there were underlying heart problems or stroke symptoms. None of these things were manifest, which is good, but he did find a ‘regular irregular’ rhythm on my ECG — and was worried enough to advise I go to A&E for blood tests.

I texted Mum after talking to 111 and she came straight over, so she took me to A&E, she couldn’t stay due to Covid rules so I waited there alone, I was there 6 hours or so in all. A lot of repetition in telling them what happened, and tests — and basically they, as an emergency department, were able to determine I wasn’t at any immediate risk of doing myself a mischief so they’ve referred me to non-emergency services. I waited for Mum to come back and got home.

Perhaps foolishly I posted on Facebook where I was, you saw it (I presume) and texted. I told you what had happened, tried to reassure you not to worry too much, that it was probably the mental strain manifesting physically. You nearly lapsed into making that about you — I’m not so bothered by that. You texted again this morning, I haven’t replied yet despite having been awake for hours — I kind of resent the fact you are showing you care now, when you didn’t before. It’s a little childish I suppose, but well, it’s feels like it’s a little bit too little too late for you start giving a shit about my welfare.

Not that all of the mental suffering I’m enduring is as a result of the way you decided to treat me. And on some level that was a decision, I know I’ve laboured to find excuses for you before. So if what happened is linked to that then, d’you know what? You are partially responsible. I guess I’m invoking the decision I made to be more mindful of looking after myself right now than you, you might well be genuinely worried and thinking about things differently — but that isn’t my problem.

I’m relieved that they couldn’t find any obvious sinister cause — from talking with I. who is obviously knowledgable in medical matters it sounds like what I suffered from was a vasovagal episode — this isn’t something that generally needs treatment. I often get lightheadedness if I get up quickly, so there’s positive steps I can take to limit that. Don’t get up quickly, don’t be lazy and eat meals reclined on a sofa — I’ve set up the dining table now so that’s easily avoided. Don’t eat quickly, give yourself time to digest it before being too active.

In terms of the other recommendations — I’m resolved to not drive for the rest of the week, I’ve cancelled football just to be on the safe side. I’m idly targeting Sunday to play again. And I’m staying off work this week to make sure I rest. I don’t think I need to physically rest, but maybe I do need to mentally switch off for a while. I remain confident I have been doing a good job of looking after myself physically, so I’m not worrying too much that I’m a ticking health time bomb, but I will listen to my body that clearly I need to slow down on some level.

Mum just tagged me in a post on Facebook though which betrays I’m up and about, but I need to stop worrying about trying to manage my life in ways that might or might not have an impact on you. I would never go out of my way to set you back, it’s not my style, but if that is a consequence of protecting myself then I guess I’m more open to it. It is regrettable, but I’ve spent too long holding back through fear of tripping one of your triggers — and I really don’t have to do that any more. As I said before, that was entirely at your choosing.

But I do hope that you’re okay. Bert