Letter number 32: Absence

Dear Alexandra,

Absence is meant to make the heart grow fonder, right? Or is time healing things more apt? I’m not sure — it’s been nearly a week since we last communicated — that would seem an intolerable time not that long ago. Of course you still cross my mind, I do still worry at times, but I’ve been largely succeeding in pushing those thoughts to one side to let other thoughts get a bit of brain space.

Sherlock Bert has stayed quiet, so your more gaming-focused socials remain unlooked at, I’ve not even looked to see if you’ve posted anything on Facebook for a couple of days. These are positives, I think. It’s not an absence of care, but it’s an acceptance that I don’t really have a part to play in whatever coping strategy you are employing, and in trying to do that I was holding myself back quite dramatically.

I used to have a look at your last post, the one that said you closed off when you were upset, see who’d reacted or commented, you of course followed that up on Twitter with a semi-scathing post about finding out who your real friends were. That probably means your fake ones, since that’s a gaming channel — but well, I’ve stopped looking at those things, I can’t worry about that now. Maybe a route to happiness for you does lie in that direction. Who can say?

I’d also idly look at the mutual friends number between us — it was 313, it was 312 the last time I looked. I wonder who the 1 was, and whether they removed me or you. I’ve not thought to wonder too much, they might have just come off Facebook and it’s nothing to do with what happened between us. Looking back now I can see how deeply unhealthy that kind of thought process is, so I’m glad I seem to have knocked that on the head for now at least.

As for me, I’ve been feeling much better. I definitely think that getting back to playing football has helped with this. I’ve played four games since Sunday with another planned tomorrow, then starting again on Sunday. I’m relieved that that escape hasn’t been denied me, there’ve been no further health scares, I still await the follow-up referral that A&E made for me, but it would seem that they were playing a little fast and loose with the timeframes for that! It’s not an emergency, so that’s okay — it’s not like the NHS hasn’t been spectacularly busy over the last year, is it? Haha.

Tomorrow I get my first Covid-19 jab too, which whilst it hasn’t been worrying me particularly it’ll be good to get it out of the way. Another step in the seemingly endless trudge back to normality. I’m hoping that I don’t have an adverse reaction to it, but we’ll see! I might have to hastily cancel tomorrow’s football and/or the walk I have planned with Mum on Saturday if it does knock me for six. I’ve made sure I’ve eaten really well today to make sure I’ve got a bit of fuel to drive the antibody generation!

I also had my first 1:1 therapy call that was organised through the employee assistance scheme via work too yesterday. It was really good, I worried it would be a slightly more personal rehash of the NHS driven webinar I attended — but it’s not. H. is my therapist, and she’s lovely — it was kind of an introductory session really, and only half an hour, but she was able to reassure me and be reassured that I’ve already taken a lot of proactive steps.

Whilst there is a plan centred around CBT that we’ll be following, there is the potential for other avenues to explore if we deem it’s appropriate. When I first referred myself I envisaged some kind of deep talking therapy which was actually really appealing, probably because I’m having — to a degree — present a different version of the truth in public than I’m really working through. So confiding in some carefully chosen friends, writing these letters, are all things I’ve done after that initial referral stage.

And I think it’s helped. These letters have evolved to a stream of consciousness brain-dump directed at you into a kind of journal of sorts, where I can track my progress emotionally and behaviourally. The ‘unfuck yourself’ plan we are doing on Facebook also gives me measurable output on these sort of measures too. Obviously I’ve reverted to Work Bert mode and made myself a PowerPoint template that I update each day with how things are going, both physical and mental.

Being away from work has helped me I think too. Like most blokes I tend to have a dust yourself down and get on with it attitude, maybe I did that too much initially. I valued the distraction in both thinking and being around people, but well, clearly I wasn’t quite ready for it. I am looking forward to go back next week though, it sounds like my team have done brilliantly in rallying in my absence and covering things I was meant to be doing.

I talked to my boss today and said ironically it might have done me a favour as perhaps I hadn’t delegated enough through wanting to be handing over fully formed things rather than expecting them to develop things. He agreed. It sounds like my guys have made great progress so I’m really pleased. But it would be good to be back, it gives me something more detached from you to think about, and of course the chance to be around people which really does help me.

That being said, I’ve not really been ruminating or missing you so much over the last few days. I don’t mean that in a heartless way, maybe you’re reaching the same page which is why you’ve not reached out either. I’ve not been bloody-mindedly not texting at all, it’s just generally not occurred to me. My only motivations really were to see if you were okay, which I’ve accepted is a reasonable way to feel, but something I shouldn’t worry about as it’s now beyond my influence.

There is a little bit of me that is nosey about whether you’ve managed to extricate yourself from him or not, or whether it’s the only road you’ve left open. But that’s definitely not helpful for me, nor is it any of my business really. I’ve not messaged your Mum, and oddly when I do allow myself a moment of melancholy it’s your family that I really do feel the loss of, they’re such wonderful folk and I loved spending time with them. I don’t suppose that is very likely in the future.

One thing I had found odd was not wearing a ring. The one you gave me, years ago, symbolised eternity which sadly reality didn’t deliver so it moved into the box of things quite quickly after. I ordered myself a new one from Etsy that will look like my finger is being held by a parrot’s foot — I figured it would help with the missing the physical sensation of wearing a ring whilst providing more wholesome symbolism for me. It shipped today — although it’s coming from Ukraine so who knows when it will arrive?

So yeah, things feel more positive — I genuinely hope they do for you too. Perhaps some of that progress is simply an inevitability from the passage of time, but a lot is down to the support I’ve had from my family and friends (whether or not they know the full extent or details of the damage I’ve taken mentally), and being proactive in trying to find tips, tricks and tools to help myself. I really hope you have or can find a similar path to tread, I fear you’ll brood and continue to deceive those closest to you. But in the spirit of the overall tone of this letter, that’s your choice.

I hope you’re doing okay, Bert