Letter number 41: Grounding
Dear Alexandra,
You still keep popping into my mind, I’m not sure why. I’ve done a better job of distracting myself from it, I’ve been practising grounding exercises. Usually it happens when I’m driving, which makes it tricky — the techniques that have been suggested to me tend to centre around sensory distractions, noticing five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell and one you can taste.
It sounds silly but it does kind of help. Where it’s not helpful is if I’m driving, and that tends to be the time it happens — of course I can look at stuff, but in the interests of safety it really needs to be stuff where I need to be looking. Hearing things too is easy enough, and of course there are parts of the car I touch whilst driving. Smell in the cabin is dominated by the frankly not very nice air freshener — funnily enough you bought that when we did the ‘buying a list of things for each other for a tenner’ challenge in the supermarket.
Taste? Well, I suppose I could lick the steering wheel! Haha. Maybe not. Instead I’ve been randomly reciting cheesy rap lyrics to distract myself, it kind of works. So fellow motorists with acute hearing might hear bad renditions of the theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Vanilla Ice’s seminal hit Ice Ice Baby. Lucky so and sos! They certainly won’t be if the weather picks up and it’s warm enough to have the windows open when driving.
I noticed the calendar entry for T.’s wedding when I was looking for a spot for an appointment, I couldn’t delete it as it was one of those linked through from my Facebook events — so I found it and changed it to ‘Can’t Go’ mainly to tidy things up. It prompted a message from T. thanking me for letting her know I couldn’t make it — awkward! I was only ever invited really as your +1 anyway so had kind of assumed it was implied. So I’ve decided not to feel bad about it.
I replied to the message and wished her all the best for the day, I’m not going to feel bad about it. The annoying thing about the whole episode is that it’s still belligerently sat there in my calendar app, and not even for the rescheduled date next year as if it were going to plan then it would only be in a few weeks! What a futile exercise, haha!
In the house I finished sorting through my CDs and popped them on the shelves I bought. The unit is far too big, but I’m sure I’ll find something creative to do with the space. It’s better seeing that walking up to bed than your dressing table, that’s now in the spare room out the way. There’s still a bit of actual organising to do, my CD collection these days is very edited — to be honest, I could bin some of them, I only really keep ones of bands that I really love these days.
Your EP with M. is still in there, I couldn’t quite bear to part with it or consign it to the box. They’re great songs. One of them you wrote about me, how dramatically those sentiments seem to have shifted! The album we both sang a track on for P. is there too — I had two copies because he sent one for you too, but you did it reluctantly and don’t really like his songs so I never gave it to you. I never listen to CDs anyway, so I don’t really know why I keep them — the only device I have to play them is on my computer!
I do need to have a good sort through all the stuff that needs to go to the household refuse place and get rid of it. Old boxes, a knackered clothes airer, a broken vacuum cleaner — I’m sure there’s loads of other stuff too, as well as a judicious clothes trawl. I’m sorry to say I’ll probably get rid of the weird fluffy checked shirts you bought me — I’m not really a fan, I wore them because you liked them on me. It clears cupboard space to get other things I do want to keep out the way.
In less random pondering events, this evening I was caught up in a traffic jam due to a couple of nasty accidents on the A52, it meant I didn’t make it to football. Anyone who knows me knows that I get genuinely anxious about being late for anything, so it was a bit stressful for a time. Football has also been one of my absolute saving graces since all the bad things happened, those pockets of blissful oblivion. On a low day I’d have been really devastated by this evening — but it was quite easy to be more reflective.
It’s really not the worst thing that could’ve happened — some poor folks were having a much worse time of it a few yards up the road, surrounded by sirens and flashing lights, and I hope not badly hurt or worse. I just had a bit of a wait for them to re-open the road, sitting comfortably, listening to a Podcast and at a nice temperature. Sonic got his human home a little earlier than normal so was able to enjoy a little more out of cage time, and together we did assorted house sorting out things.
I’ll get to play football tomorrow — and I’ll pay more attention when my Sat Nav randomly seems to want me to go a different route to normal! Lessons learned, and no real trauma for me. It sounds so trivial and silly written down, but it’s actually a really good sign, just like the relatively small steps I’m making around tweaking my home environment is too. I’ve been much better at staying on top of laundry stuff, doing it as it accumulates rather than waiting for three or four load mega-events.
In terms of taking care of myself and the house, I’m actually pretty proud of myself — even at my lowest I’ve not let those things slip. I’ve been a little more lax with the calorie counting but not let things get out of control, I’ve kept well hydrated, I’ve exercised consistently and got plenty of outside time, I’ve not shut myself away from people either through messages, phone calls or where allowed actually meeting up. I’ve kept myself clean, and once fit enough to do so have kept going at work.
These are the basics of living, I know, but when you’re suffering with depression and anxiety these can be the things that become a massive struggle. What I’m beginning to realise was that these are things I’ve suffered with for a good while, it just took the final few straws to spiral me out of control. I was, if I’m honest, letting a lot of those basics of living slide well before the arse fell out of my world completely.
I think these are good signs. Finishing up the decluttering, sorting random things out, these are good achievable targets. Once I tackle those I think I need to stop procrastinating about getting some folks out to quote to get the garden sorted out. That would be a really positive step, whether I get as far as some kind of summer house / shed as well as the groundwork I’m not sure just yet, but even if I just get the space sorted so it’s useable and with space for the building work after, that would be huge.
The idea of replacing my car with a more flexible one that gives the option of operating as a micro camper van and something more suited to transporting Sonic to potential bird-sitter spots keeps popping into my head too. That’s the kind of rumination I don’t mind, I know what I’m like — there’s a seed of an idea there, I’ll keep looking on Marketplace or eBay and eventually a switch will trip and I’ll act on it, or it will fade away as an idea.
It’s funny because back when my life plans were very different I’d been having similar processes about how to make the work-based electric vehicle scheme work for me. The barriers for me was a combination of the cost of it, and also the mileage I was doing/range the cars are capable of doing. The mileage isn’t an issue so much anymore, and the regular 200+ mile single journeys are no longer a thing — but increasingly I find myself thinking less about that and more about a gas guzzling replacement that will let me get out and about more.
As for now, the weekend is rapidly approaching again — tomorrow I’ll have more football to play after work, I’ll be sure to check the traffic reports this time. Saturday J. is putting a gig on in his garden as part of an assessment so a group of us are going up there. Sunday more football then who knows what? From Monday we’re allowed to hug people again, I’ve not read up on the rules but by gosh I’ve missed human contact, and I never thought of myself as a particularly tactile person.
Positives are good. There’s lots to be positive about, and I’m getting better at reminding myself of that when Negative Bert starts piping up, or when you pop into my head and threaten to activate rumination or Sherlock Bert. I’m also doing better at not getting frustrated that it does take time for things to heal and feel better, I do sometimes, but I can usually find some kindness for myself if it persists.
Small steps are better than no steps. And d’you know what, sometimes no steps or even the odd backward stumble also isn’t the end of the world. I’m going to have some new challenges at work over the coming weeks, I’m simultaneously shitting myself and quite looking forward to it — distractions are good, and I know I have support there if I need it. I’m hoping not. But we’ll see.
I hope you’re doing okay, Bert
