Letter number 43: Positive

Dear Alexandra,

I’m actually feeling pretty good all things considered right now. Which is amusing, since my responses to the pre-therapy questionnaire prompted another phone call from a clinician to check I’m not about to plan killing myself. I’m not! They should probably be a bit more specific on the questions really, they ask if you ever think you’d be better off dead, which I do on occasion, but never to the point of actually even considering acting on it!

But anyway, I’m really pleased to be feeling positive — Monday was a working at home day, which can be more difficult. I was in the office today, it was quiet although I had a nice chat with J. who has also had mental health struggles, it’s nice to be able to talk openly about it with people. That’s definitely been the biggest lesson I’ve taken from all this, that bottling things up is bad — which could have been a route I took after doing with you went so spectacularly badly.

Maybe the further easing of lockdown restrictions is helping, it’s true I’ve not really benefited from it massively yet — but there’s future promise after all! In fairness by being a little fast and loose with whose bubble I’m part of in the last couple of months I’ve been able to spend quality time with people, but being able to spend time with R., E. and the kids indoors will be great. They’ve been asking for me to go round to play Mario Kart, which will be fun!

You do still cross my mind quite often, but it doesn’t completely cripple me any more or make me descend into ruminating. Whether that is something that comes back again, who can say? As is clear from previous letters I’ve long realised on some level how damaging you were to me, even before straying, and I guess that’s helped me realise that whilst of course I care about you and want you to find happiness, there’s little point in me expending too much energy on worrying about how you are going about achieving that.

I think that’s positive. Dad is still on a mission to see me eat nothing but stew, he popped round with four more servings yesterday — it was lovely to see him, to be fair. And he does make good stew! Hopefully the weather gets a bit warmer and it becomes a less appropriate meal choice, haha! It is handy not having to cook of an evening, though, beyond nuking some stew in the microwave! My HelloFresh discounted boxes have finished now so I cancelled my subscription.

Maybe I should make an effort to buy ingredients to re-make some of the nicer recipes, though — it was good to cook properly and make things that wouldn’t ordinarily occur to me. I might have a rummage though the recipe cards and see if there’s some I fancy revisiting and pop to the shops at the weekend and see if I can find the sometimes random ingredients.

I’m actually really proud of how well I’ve dealt with house stuff — if anything I’m doing better at it than I did typically. I’ve gotten into the habit of doing laundry in single loads as they amass rather than waiting until there’s so much it becomes a mega job over a weekend. I’ve not lapsed into skipping showers or taking care of myself — a bonus of this is Sonic has become a massive fan of showers now he’s got used to the idea!

It was my low mood webinar yesterday that made me realise that these are all massive positives. The session was geared around making a diary and hierarchy of things that you need to do to get by, with the undertone that people suffering with depression or anxiety might struggle to do the basics. I’ve not really had that problem, I’ve kept on top of the chores really well. As I continue to feel better I do need to refocus on work, I’ve not exactly been coasting but I do need to put a little more in there, I think.

My one-to-one therapy session is tomorrow morning, last week we were talking about ruminating and using grounding techniques to deflect the compulsion. In truth, whilst I did toy with things like recalling lyrics when thoughts popped into my head, I suspect that perhaps some kind of natural processing has happened over the course of time — coupled with things like a bit more social contact over the weekend.

Whatever the cause, it’s a good thing! After finished the first cycle of our Facebook scheme I stopped updating a daily slide of how things had gone, I think that was a mistake so I’ve started doing that again. It’s good to reflect on each day, but also have a record to look back on to help measure progress. The fact I’m not feeling compelled to write to you every day is also I think symptomatic that things are resolving themselves in my head.

I’ll never understand quite why you did what you did, but I’m coming to accept that truth — I don’t think you understand it either. You’ve more than once referred to the fact that you “fucked up” — part of me continually wondered if the mistake as you saw it was losing me, or the way you went about doing it. I don’t think it really makes any difference now, the outcome is the same, once that hurt and betrayal fades. Obviously it would’ve been easier if you could’ve simply been honest, but well, that ship has sailed.

Sherlock Bert has all but disappeared. I do notice fleeting appearances on Facebook that you make, occasionally I might have a little look to see if you’ve posted anything. Increasingly I realise there’s not much point in trying to find signs of how you’re doing because your mask is well and truly up on there. I could ask you, but I don’t think you’d tell me, and I don’t think it would be helpful for me or you. Although I do hope you don’t think it’s because I don’t care about you — that’s definitely not it.

I’ve just realised I don’t really have much planned this weekend, I might see if K. and J. are about for some shenanigans. Of course with lockdown restrictions eased as they are there’s lots more opportunities to spend time with different folk actually indoors. I have found my own company less unbearable in recent days though, so maybe just some time at home with Sonic will be a good idea. The world is my oyster!

Hopefully you can take the opportunity to spend some time with other folk — your Mum, or popping to see Eleanor and N. for board games maybe. I don’t know. Certainly actual social time has been really beneficial to me — I think it would help you. But that is up to you, of course!

So yeah, it seemed strange to have triggered the “oh oh, we’d better give him a call” switch with the NHS therapy as I’m genuinely feeling much better about things than I can remember feeling since everything collapsed. I had a lovely chat with the clinician, she was a Welsh lady and really nice — we talked a lot about Sonic since I collected him from Wales back in December. Whilst a bit of me was frustrated/concerned that the call was forthcoming, it was a good call and it’s comforting to know there is a safety net there in case I do take a dip.

I hope you’re doing okay, Bert