Letter number 44: Pause
Dear Alexandra,
I think that’s the biggest gap in letters I’ve had — I think that is probably a good sign! Since that last letter I had my one to one therapy call, we agreed to discuss an exit strategy from being in therapy during this. That feels like a huge positive! I still have three weeks of the NHS webinars left which I’ll keep going with until they come to an end, they can’t do any harm really can they?
The rest of the week was work and football really! Yesterday I had a really lazy day, I fell into the trap of ordering online groceries when I was hungry so included loads of random snacky things — which of course I ate the minute they arrived (well, not quite, but kind of!). So a pretty big lapse on the healthy eating but it’s okay for a day, I think — it did leave me feeling low in energy and lethargic, there’s probably a lesson in there!
This morning was more footy, it was a really good game I played well — we won comfortably. I’ve spent the rest of the day making sure Sonic gets lots of time out and attention, which he deserves. He’s been a really good boy. He’s getting much better at being a little more independent when out — flying to his cage when he fancies some food or a drink, flying to his play stand, it’s less like a full time job when he’s out!
In terms of other stuff, I’ve found myself thinking about you quite a bit. We haven’t had any contact since you checking to make sure it was me logging into your Netflix account, you’ve posted a couple of times on Facebook since then — one was another fairly facile meme making excuses and imploring people be patient. I dropped a care react on it since I saw it, I do care — I hope outside of Facebook you’re not being so passive.
Today you posted a memory of first discovering a favourite band — it would’ve been around the time we were getting to know each other. I wonder how you feel when you click on the memories function of Facebook? I’ve had some bittersweet moments in truth, you feature quite heavily some days, not today I must admit. It gets easier to think about things like that, even the things that happened latterly, without becoming consumed by it.
I won’t say I’m okay with what happened, of course I’m not, but it’s a more dulled ache now. Yesterday I popped to Burton to see T. and T. — they’d been testing out menu options for their wedding in September, it was wonderful to see them both — you came up in conversation a few times (I didn’t tell them anything about what happened) and it didn’t feel awful. I resisted asking whether you were still doing the photography.
We’ve casually arranged to go and do some walking — they live in Wales near the mountains, so there’ll be some great places for a wander plus they have a gorgeous Collie which is also a good excuse for some dog time.
Sherlock Bert made a sly attempt to get some air time today whilst I was waiting for football (I was early, as ever!). He was attempting to convince me that since reminders both current and memory-driven of you weren’t having quite such a detrimental effect on me, then there’s really no harm in maybe having a quick look at yours and his Twitter feeds to see what might have been going on in that world.
I shut him down, I’m glad to say. Clearly somewhere in my mind I’m still wondering about all that stuff — but Logical Bert knows that there’s nothing for me to know there but reliving that pain. There’s really no point. Just as I’ve not had contact with you, I’ve steered clear of your Mum too and vice versa — she did heart react to the post I made about the parrot claw ring I bought. She isn’t a massively regular Facebook user in truth.
Hopefully you’ve been able to spend plenty of time with her, your step dad and sister — whether you choose to share with her or not doesn’t really matter, you need real contact with real people who care about you. I’ve learned that over the last few weeks, it’s such a huge healing thing. Whether it’s been those unlucky people who I’ve unloaded to, or those who I’ve simply spent time with without going into specifics, it’s all helped me tremendously.
The biggest thing I’m thankful for is that I seem to have gotten out of the cycle of hating being on my own at home. Of course I prefer company, I desperately miss the intimacy of being part of a couple, but I’ve found I can be content with my own (and Sonic’s!) company — that’s much fairer on him, and it’s better for me too. Whether it be watching something on TV or reading a book, I’ve been able to not sit wallowing as I was.
Whilst I try not to think too much about how you’re doing, that is my worry for you — you are a natural wallower. It’s such a self-defeating cycle — hopefully it’s something your therapist is helping you with. Hopefully you’re realising that the bulk of what you are suffering with is entirely within your control, that nobody can flip a switch for you. That was what I wanted, before I realised — and without sounding mean you do tend to rely on other people to sort stuff out for you.
As time goes on and restrictions lift and people start making tentative plans to do stuff I’m half considering how it will be when we do actually see each other again. The first likely one will be August when it’s M.’s birthday gathering, then possibly T. and T.’s wedding in September if not that. I’m not sure how I feel about it in truth. Part of me would love to see you, see how you are. Part of me would still like to avoid it. You nearly drove me to the very bottom of the barrel, after all.
I’d like to think I can be civil though. I’ll take the tripod with me to M.’s do in case you do arrive — that way I can at least get that re-homed with you, and it might come in handy if you are indeed doing the wedding photography. Part of me wonders if we need a face to face clearing of the air, but I’m not sure we do — certainly not at a birthday party or a wedding anyway. I don’t think there’s anything either of us can say that will change how things are. So there’s probably no point!
The weather has been properly rubbish, whilst I’ve still been playing football it’s made me less keen to get out walking and must admit my diet has been pretty bad over the last week or so. I’m going to make a conscious effort to get that back under control and hopefully as the weather picks up it’ll open up more chance to get out walking again properly. It’s amazing how a few days of eating more junk food and getting out less can affect your energy levels.
I suppose it’s not all that amazing really. It’s definitely something I hope you’re thinking about — your dietary and exercise habits are shockingly bad so it’s no wonder you often feel lethargic. But well, that’s for you to work out!
So yeah, I didn’t really have a mass of things to write to you but I was conscious it had been a while and found myself with a spare half hour on a Sunday night so I wanted to check in. Whilst I of course have lots of remaining worries, anxieties and issues they feel under control — which is a great feeling. But I’m also very mindful that there’s no ‘job done’ landmark to reach, maintaining mental health is an ongoing task that never finishes.
I hope you’re doing okay, Bert
