Letter number 47: Pitfalls
Dear Alexandra,
I guess it I hinted at it in my last letter and that bit of me that wanted to comment something snippy on your post. You’ve been invading my thoughts quite a bit lately, and sometimes that embittered bit of me does get a bit of mental airtime. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s a combination of seeing you active on Facebook, quite a few memories on the platform involving one of our favourite festivals, re-establishing contact with your Mum.
It doesn’t last long, and it doesn’t hobble me as it once did — so whilst I’m finding it frustrating, I am mindful of that progress compared to where I was before, and whilst on occasion I descend into ruminating, asking the questions again, wondering if I should get in contact, I am able to divert myself back to sanity relatively readily. So I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, just a wobble.
Possibly limited social contact over the weekend after being a little more amongst people might be a factor — it’s been quiet in the office with it being half term, so less people time than normal. I played some football tonight which of course helps, and there’s more of that tomorrow and Friday. I should probably make an effort to find some means of spending time with folk over the weekend. It’s Dad’s birthday on Sunday so I’ll obviously pop and see him at least!
Maybe losing the crutch of my 1:1 therapy is part of it, not sure — I don’t think that I need it, but it was nice knowing it was there. I do have a couple of NHS webinar sessions left, the next is on Monday. They’ve been more in the ‘vaguely interesting’ category latterly rather than overtly helpful — and that in itself I think is a really positive thing.
Outside of my mental health I’ve been keen to look after other aspects — I’ve been to see the ear dudes to hoover them out, they were starting to get blocked. It took a couple of goes this time with some drops in between! Whilst I’m still in good shape and exercising loads my diet has been a lot more hit and miss, I’ve found the temptation of unhealthy snacks rather difficult to resist, as with the mental stuff, not a cause for worry really — but something to keep an eye on.
The micro-camper van I was looking at that sold was built by a company on the way to building another — I’ve emailed them and got first refusal of it, so when it’s finished I’ll arrange to go up and see it. I think it would do me good to have the option of just clearing off having an adventure, be it a gig, festival or whatever. Hopefully it comes off! I also emailed the theatre about the Hamilton tickets which I’d not heard about and asked for a refund which they’re processing.
That’s probably another thing that might have pushed you closer to the forefront of my mind. It was going to be a special occasion for us to see our show — I would really love to see it, but well, it seems too soon right now. It would’ve been rescheduled for October, I just told them my circumstances would change and they called me to sort out the refund details — pretty stress free. So it’s now true that I sold the tickets as you told your Mum in a rage when I had the audacity to suggest I might get a refund to you weeks ago, haha!
Another micro-win is that I found a ring spacer for the parrot claw ring so that it now fits on the finger I wore the ring you bought for me. Subconsciously that was always the one I’d slot it back onto after football or showers, now it fits — I’m not sure the spacer is the most comfortable thing yet, but I’ll persist for a while. I’m not sure why that feels important, but it kinda does. It does make me wonder if you have the same dilemmas with jewellery or trinkets that remind you of me. You have a lot more of them!
I try not to wonder too long though. In truth, I hope you’re not quite the sentimental soul I am and are able to enjoy them in the spirit that I gave them to you when times were so different. See, you’re sneaking into my mind again!
The other thing I need to watch out for is worrying about being alone. It’s natural enough after a relationship ends, I’m the wrong side of 40, it feels daunting. Of course, I’m perfectly self-sufficient but I don’t want to exist on my own, I miss being part of a partnership — and the choice of phrase is important there — not that I necessarily miss our partnership. Of course I do, on some level, but I’ve raked over that ground enough in these letters.
I’ve been around the block enough times to know that feeling dulls over time — and as lockdown eases more and more, and more distractions are readily available it means life will open up and that chasm won’t seem to gape quite so dauntingly. The lure to hop onto dating apps is quite strong at times, but ultimately I can resist it — I’ve been there and done that, it wasn’t the best experiment in the world I’ve ever conducted.
After that phase passed I met you. I wasn’t looking, even when we were sharing a tent at a festival I wasn’t looking for anything more than friendship — I just kind of stumbled into falling in love. My previous relationships were similar really — so I’m trying to remember that. Sure, I’m not getting any younger — but I can’t alter that, there’s no point in fretting — rather, focus on things I can influence, work, social life, camper van project and then see what happens after that.
So a few pitfalls. I’ve always said as I’ve been writing these letters that I do anticipate bumps in the road, it feels like there have been a few over the last couple of days. But I’m also very clear that I’ve been able to navigate them relatively easily. There’s discomfort, there’s pain, there’s sorrow, but not the debilitating kind of a few weeks ago. Realistically I’m not going to have resolved everything in my head in a few short weeks and be ready for something new.
Imagine meeting somebody ideal on Plenty of Fish or Tinder or whatever only to not be in the right headspace. It would be doomed to as much failure as those platforms are likely to deliver, it wouldn’t be fair on them, it wouldn’t do me any good. Plus y’know, writing profiles for dating apps involves selling yourself which isn’t my forte at all. So I’m going to keep chastising the bit of me that keeps suggesting that and resist the urge!
I hope you’re doing okay, Bert
