Letter number 54: Continued progression

Dear Alexandra,

Another two months since returning here, I had to go through some rigmarole to even be able to log in as I removed the email account associated with this blog from my phone, and in the intervening weeks I transferred my main email account from Google to Apple so it was a bit of faff to manage to access this blog’s associated account — but I got there in the end.

That’s not the most productive introduction to a letter is it? Haha.

Things are still really good for us. As we’ve bedded into a new sense of normality I’ve worried at times we’d find that rut that we were in before, I’m still very cautious of it — but by the same token, no real life is a constant fairytale, I know that. Sometimes there is normal. I’ve loved the normal too — the times we’ve just sat watching crap on telly, FaceTime calls where we’ve not got a lot to say.

We’ve been good at taking the time to just enjoy each other’s company too — playing board games, less nipping out for a walk as the weather turns cold and wet. I’ve nearly gotten over the feeling like I’m intruding on your life if I message or call you now too, sometimes it’s still there — that’s residual, you’ve never done anything to make me feel that way more recently.

You’ve not been streaming because of hardware issues with your computer — you’ve been playing some online games with your online friends, and that’s okay — you’ve been at pains to tell me I can message you when you’re doing that, you pass on greetings from ‘the nerds’ to me — I shouldn’t worry, and mostly I don’t, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t a little bit.

But for that little sliver of negativity I mostly feel really positive. In the spirit of addressing things that bother me but I let them slide I’ve had someone fix the godawful pipework under the kitchen sink, and even now the garden is undergoing the long overdue renovation that it needs. I’ve found a friend who is hopefully interested in taking the van off my hands — I’ll lose a chunk of money on it because there’s no way he’d afford what it is worth, but I’ll take convenience and doing a favour for a friend over the hassle of selling it properly any day.

There are other things that are really heartening — you bought us both books to fill in with a series of questions — a mixture of fun, naughty and more serious. I’ve finished yours already and given it to you, you’re still working on mine, I can’t wait to read it! We’ve started using a free version of an app called Paired too — a combination of quizzes or random questions designed to help you connect or learn things you might not know about one another, that’s been fun.

We’ve continued to genuinely miss one another when we’re parted too — that’s definitely a good and a bad thing, I do find myself genuinely pining when you’re not here. You’ve got your theory test booked, once that’s out the way then driving lessons and get a job here and you could move up here. We’ve set a loose target for March — getting driving lessons is a challenge post-Covid, demand is high, but I’m sure it can be sorted.

Sherlock Bert is mostly dormant — he does note interactions on social media posts and tries to flag areas of concern occasionally, but Rational Bert can shut him down quite quickly. There’s clearly a flirty element to some of them, but that’s perfectly normal and were it not for what happened back in March, it wouldn’t be a cause for concern at all.

Gone are the days when we have a standoff over talking about weekend plans, with you delaying — you’re proactively organising things weeks out now, it’s awesome. Just doing something random like sending a Deliveroo of Coffee or a Chai Latte to you at work makes me smile. The wounded part of me is waiting for something to go wrong, but I’m trying to keep him quiet.

We’ve talked about what happened, sure — there wasn’t a ‘reason’ or a rationale or justification for it, which is kind of what you crave in that situation, but what it has given us is the experience of not having each other in our respective lives, and we’ve both independently concluded that we didn’t like that one bit. Life is short, and it’s for living, and if we’ve identified something as important to our happiness as we have, then we’d be fools not to pursue it.

The only real sticking point is my brother’s attitude, he’s very intransigent at the best of times — and this isn’t one of those. Luckily the familial issues on his wife’s side of the family have eased, I’ve invited them over next weekend to play board games. I think they’re being tremendously unfair and it feels like an episode of The Voice or something, but we’ve resolved to make an effort and see how it goes. Ultimately it will his choice of how this pans out.

If he refuses to spend time in your company then he’ll necessarily curtail the amount of time I can spend with him and his family, which will be devastating but ultimately his call. I know it’s of huge concern to my Mum, who desperately wants the family to be able to all spend time together — and as far as I’m concerned, that includes you too, Alexandra. Everyone doesn’t have to be best friends, of course, but they should be able to coexist in the same space and be civil.

But we shall enter into next weekend with a positive mindset, you’re going to make an awesome cheesecake and we’ll try to break the ice with some board games, still tempted to suggest something outrageous like Cards Against Humanity — but we do have a few other options to try. I guess this is the current example of something that might go wrong that I’ve been worrying about but, well, I’m trying to remember that there’s only so much that’s within my control in any situation — and to focus on that bit.

I love you, Bert